Pure Existence

Archive for the ‘In my head’ Category

I came across a blog today. It was about a book, The giver, I have never read this book, but the person shared what the basis of it was. About conforming, and if you had the option to show people other ways of living would you, or just keep them blind. There was then a discussion forum. It really made me think…..

I think we already live in a world very close to that. I think alot of people are extreme conformists! But the silly thing is that they once changed from what was the normal to what we do today, and are afraid to go back. The world then uses tv to scare them not to change, or magazines. In my example….homebirths. A woman used to birth in their home with the village around her for support, and a midwife. The village would then bring her dinners and help her through her healing. However, now we all know the hospital is considered the normal, and most wont even open their mind and close their mouth long enough to even consider. How did we ever steer away in the first place? On top of that, the rise in homebirths has caused a stir. There was a article that someone dear to me called me worried about. A homebirth in which a mom developed a infection and ended up getting limbs amputated. While I listened, and assured them I was no more worried than if I did a hospital birth, I snickered. Nosocomial infections…most of us know of, and its even taught in nursing school, are common! And some with the same or worse or not as bad outcomes. So right next to that could be a million articles about the same things happening in the hospitals! Its all about marketing. And when there is a trend happening that is starting to worry people trying to keep things the conformed way they have become, they pull out anything to try and scare people back into their pen. Just like the Hillary Duff episode of Law & Order. They used a celebrity, in which most new moms today grew up watching, to draw attention to the episode, took a truly tragic real life story and twisted it around to scare people about vaccinations. But the child in the story who “spread” the measels could have been a vaccinated child as well! Its all pretty silly. Dear god people, if you take one thing from me…don’t conform, educate. Do what you want, know your options, and know the real, full truth about everything! Make informed choices, not just the ones a pediatrician said was right, because they grew up the same way. Look into things yourself and then decide.


I layed in the bottom of my bathtub trying to fit the both of us comfortably. The only way was quite ironic, I found myself leaned back with my knees up…for those of you who cant picture what Im saying…I was in the basic lying down position that most associate with labor. I giggled to myself, and I think the baby understood we were having a moment as it traced its little leg across my stomach. I am just about 4 weeks away from D-Day. Delivery day 🙂 I, like anyone else, am nervous, excited, anxious…and all the feelings that go along with it, even though I have already had a child, no two births or babies are alike. I have fear again about the “unknown” of how this one will feel, how this one will go. I refuse to believe it will be the same, however I do have hopes it will follow very closely. My son was quite a simple birth, not too much pain, still enough to make me think if this was a all day affair no way could I do this naturally. I even said to my midwife at one point that “I couldn’t do this”..In the sense of all day! Her reply was “Honey your already doing it” She then would squeeze back onto my hand while I squeezed hers to get through the next contraction. I was in a tub then as well… About 2 1/2 hours after I arrived at the hospital, in a sense of “really..already time to push” I was pushing out my son. I remember only being on the bed for about 30 mins or so and he was being lifted on to my chest. All 9lbs 6.5 oz of him. It was a amazing day. My favorite, I turned to my husband instantly who was standing by my head staring in awe and amazement and I just simply said “I love you!” So today, as I layed in my own tub, rubbing my watermelon belly with the shower raining down on us, I thought of that day. I was trying to picture what it would look like the exact moment I lift my baby out of the water and pull them close to my chest. I reflected on how Sebastian looked, of course gray, with big eyes and a nice size head. Little nose, little arms, and I put my hand right over his little butt and just held him close. I will get to feel that all again soon. I don’t know if it was hormones but at that moment I had to sing, I sang to my new little bean “silent night” I always found it comforting and use it to sing to my son when he’s being fussy about nap time. I got choked up. I for one don’t have a good voice, but it was even soothing to me to be singing that song and hearing it along with the patter of the water on my skin, the kicking and stretching of the baby that layed nuzzled close to my heart in my belly, and it just made me feel ready. I wanted to meet this baby right then. I wanted to hold them in my arms and kiss their little forehead. I imagined what Sebs face would be when he gets to finally see the baby that over the past few months has taken so much of my lap room! As I sat there in my haze of past and future, I realized that its going to be two completely different experiences. For one my son I gave birth to in a hospital, and ultimately delivered on the bed. This baby is going to be my first homebirth, and will most likely be a waterbirth. However, I realized that the feelings I had going into my first birth I still have for this one as well, and I most likely will have the same feeling of unbelievability, accomplishment, happyness, love, closeness and all the emotions that come with giving birth. It then struck me, that in just 4 short weeks that previously seemed forever away, I will be reflecting back again, at that moment when baby number 2 entered this world. And then again at each birthday party, I will reflect. I then got out of the tub, and walked past my mirror and stopped and stared at the reflection in it and smiled. Who knew that a simple bathroom could be the portal to your inner thoughts and feelings, and ironically on my walk out it reminded me with that reflection of my own face, to come back anytime I want to reflect.

I don’t really think people understand. I am so serious when I say “My husband makes me a better person”. Just tonight we were laying in bed and we talked about how our little peanut is like a jack. He likes to lay between us in bed and slowly throughout the night will turn sideways and spread out pushing us further apart. We had a giggle together at the thought of how this little person takes up the WHOLE bed. He then goes, “its your fault” Not that we mind in the least that he sleeps in our bed, we actually go get him out of his bed and make him sleep with us sometimes, because as much of a comfort it is for him, it is for us as well. But I had to correct my husband. The truth is, its his fault. Sebastian is used to sleeping with us due to the fact that the first straight year of his life he slept in our bed with us. I nursed him, and never forced him to night ween so even at night he would still nurse. So naturally its his comfort zone to still come in our bed and snuggle with his mom the same way he did all his life.

                So where am I going with this? I look at the way I do things now, and the person I am, the mom I have become, and I smile, because if it weren’t Cody standing beside me, I would not even think to nurse, to be more natural in life’s experiences. I talk to people all the time who ask me where I’m delivering my baby…I tell them at home. Almost every response is “aren’t you scared, I would be.” So I in turn ask them, well where are you delivering, and I get the usual response of some hospital with some doctor or midwife that they chose to go to that worked at that hospital. Well, in my experience, its not the four walls around you who is going to encourage you, hold your hand (not that most doctors care to either), and ultimately put your baby on your chest and congratulate you! Its the midwife, or whom ever you decide to catch your baby. My trust is in my amazing midwife Kelly McDermott. Whether I delivered home, hospital, car, or god forbid on the ground outside, I fully trust her. I delivered my son at a hospital, and the hospital aspect is what made it less of a experience for me, but the hospital was chosen based on my midwife, and where she delivered. Now my midwife does home births, which is like heaven to my ears. Who doesn’t want to be in their own comfortable bed, with their own yummy food, and be able to say when visiting hours are over? With the added bonus of not having some person come and tell you that its time for your baby to do this and that, and then they cart them away, and act annoyed when you tag along! The other phrase that floors me is “are you using the drugs?” or “oh yeah I’m deff getting the drugs” …what…that phrase gets me everytime. Now why on earth would someone not see something wrong with that. It honestly makes me feel like some pot dealer will be in the room with me, or some sketchy person with a coat full of “the hook up”. Its just odd sounding. But if my husband never said he didn’t want me to take any, I probably would have done what alot of people do,
 birth = epidural. They don’t even know if its going to be too much for them, they just assume from everyone else its going to be needed. I hate when people right off tell a new mom “your going to want the epidural” or “drugs are your friend”…Everyone is different, most people who get the epidural out of fear, or used to hearing everyone else got it, probably could have done it without. I have a very small pain threshold, I’ve never had stitches, broke a bone, or anything serious…a paper cut and I cry for days about it. I didn’t take the “drugs” and my son was a hefty guy and I’m only 5’2 pushing out a big headed 9lb 6.5 oz first timer baby! I felt so powerful doing this, I’m proud of that. It goes in the book of my life accomplishments!

              However, if it weren’t for Cody, I probably would fall victim to the same routine as everyone else, without even a thought weather there were other options. I would not even think to breastfeed, I would just assume formula was what was best for us, and not even look into anything else. I would have forced my baby into a crib at a early age, because its what everyone else does, they don’t co-sleep. I would just shove this and that into my son, just because its what goes on around me, cause it would be all I know. I will say this alot…EDUCATION is the key. It really is. I listen and absorb a lot that goes on around me, I spend days googling and reading articles and watching clips on all sorts of different things. It helps me make better choices for myself and my family and what does work for us. Cody grew up very different from me..when I think of his life its like something out of like Little house, or some old movie. At first, I thought his family and their ways of doing things was weird. I now find myself doing a lot…not all…but a lot of the things that I once looked at as odd. They were very natural, bought odd pure ingredients, and used more natural approach to health care. Holistic is the word.  Not everything works for everyone, but I’m so glad that I ended up with my husband because I feel like I care more about things that some people don’t even second guess if that would be what they would choose if they knew a different route to take. I think of life as a gps…sometimes it shows me routes I never knew about, and other times I see which routes its takes to get to a destination I already know how to get to, just to see if it works better, or is faster. Or  I take the route I know would work better for me. We can hear advice, but we don’t always have to take it, but we should atleast consider it, because maybe its something we would prefer.

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