Pure Existence


Posted on: April 8, 2011

I layed in the bottom of my bathtub trying to fit the both of us comfortably. The only way was quite ironic, I found myself leaned back with my knees up…for those of you who cant picture what Im saying…I was in the basic lying down position that most associate with labor. I giggled to myself, and I think the baby understood we were having a moment as it traced its little leg across my stomach. I am just about 4 weeks away from D-Day. Delivery day 🙂 I, like anyone else, am nervous, excited, anxious…and all the feelings that go along with it, even though I have already had a child, no two births or babies are alike. I have fear again about the “unknown” of how this one will feel, how this one will go. I refuse to believe it will be the same, however I do have hopes it will follow very closely. My son was quite a simple birth, not too much pain, still enough to make me think if this was a all day affair no way could I do this naturally. I even said to my midwife at one point that “I couldn’t do this”..In the sense of all day! Her reply was “Honey your already doing it” She then would squeeze back onto my hand while I squeezed hers to get through the next contraction. I was in a tub then as well… About 2 1/2 hours after I arrived at the hospital, in a sense of “really..already time to push” I was pushing out my son. I remember only being on the bed for about 30 mins or so and he was being lifted on to my chest. All 9lbs 6.5 oz of him. It was a amazing day. My favorite, I turned to my husband instantly who was standing by my head staring in awe and amazement and I just simply said “I love you!” So today, as I layed in my own tub, rubbing my watermelon belly with the shower raining down on us, I thought of that day. I was trying to picture what it would look like the exact moment I lift my baby out of the water and pull them close to my chest. I reflected on how Sebastian looked, of course gray, with big eyes and a nice size head. Little nose, little arms, and I put my hand right over his little butt and just held him close. I will get to feel that all again soon. I don’t know if it was hormones but at that moment I had to sing, I sang to my new little bean “silent night” I always found it comforting and use it to sing to my son when he’s being fussy about nap time. I got choked up. I for one don’t have a good voice, but it was even soothing to me to be singing that song and hearing it along with the patter of the water on my skin, the kicking and stretching of the baby that layed nuzzled close to my heart in my belly, and it just made me feel ready. I wanted to meet this baby right then. I wanted to hold them in my arms and kiss their little forehead. I imagined what Sebs face would be when he gets to finally see the baby that over the past few months has taken so much of my lap room! As I sat there in my haze of past and future, I realized that its going to be two completely different experiences. For one my son I gave birth to in a hospital, and ultimately delivered on the bed. This baby is going to be my first homebirth, and will most likely be a waterbirth. However, I realized that the feelings I had going into my first birth I still have for this one as well, and I most likely will have the same feeling of unbelievability, accomplishment, happyness, love, closeness and all the emotions that come with giving birth. It then struck me, that in just 4 short weeks that previously seemed forever away, I will be reflecting back again, at that moment when baby number 2 entered this world. And then again at each birthday party, I will reflect. I then got out of the tub, and walked past my mirror and stopped and stared at the reflection in it and smiled. Who knew that a simple bathroom could be the portal to your inner thoughts and feelings, and ironically on my walk out it reminded me with that reflection of my own face, to come back anytime I want to reflect.


2 Responses to "Reflections"

>Can't wait to see the new addition and to see how your homebirth goes!!!! So excited!

It is funny how certain things can bring you back. Songs do it a lot with me. Probably cause i am such a music fan. Escapes can be relaxing.

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